Can’t Imagine

“I cannot imagine” are words I have said in the past. I said these words when a coworker’s niece passed away unexpectedly at 18 months old due to meningitis. A parent should never have to lose a child. But I wasn’t a mother yet so I could not imagine.

Then barely 2 weeks later my world was forever changed. My very good friend’s 4 year old son was lost in a car accident. This little boy I watched grow in his momma’s belly. I held him at 1 day old. One day he was just… gone. My heart broke. I KNEW this little boy. I love his momma very much. But still I couldn’t imagine. I still wasn’t a mother.

I found out I was pregnant soon after. I was beyond ecstatic. As my baby grew inside me I found sweet Hayden (never far from my mind) was in my thoughts constantly. When I held my baby boy in my arms for the first time I finally began to be able to imagine.

I am not the  best with getting my thoughts and feelings out. But this one thing has impacted my life in a way I really could never have imagined. As I look at my now 2 year old and think of sweet Hayden at this age and how fast time slips by. Hayden would have been 7 years old today. Yet he never made it to his fifth birthday. I will blink and my William will be 4. The same age Hayden will forever be. As I watch my baby grow I hold him at night and my heart shatters knowing that his momma can never hold her little boy again. Finally I CAN imagine and it breaks me. I will never utter the words “I know what you are going through” because I don’t. No one does. But I can imagine. And it rips me to pieces.
I know that this changed the way I had thought I would parent. Had I planned to breastfeed my boy for over two years? No. I couldn’t “imagine” nursing a baby over 1 year old. But here I am and love the time I spend creating this special bond with my son. Did I plan on cosleeping with my child? No. But here I am and I love the middle of the night snuggles. He is nearing the time when he will be ready to start sleeping in his own room. Did I ever think that it would be ME who isn’t ready? No. But again. Here I am. I have to treasure every single moment I have because in the  blink of an eye everything can change. And I CAN imagine.